As far as I can remember, it was mid-2024. Something is happening around and I found myself feeling like a loser while facing that situation, desperate and devastated. It took several months of attempts to get stable. Since then, I have forgotten when someone last called me to give a good news. I cannot remember the last when I got excited about something. I forgot last when I made a hangout with friends and talked about random people, music, politics, or sports. I forgot last when I joined any family or social programme.
In the most severe pain of my personal life, I used to think that I should get busy to escape from all the anxiety. I got busy with trivial things, tried to grow empathy for myself, and started taking on challenges. But now, I have a life with an ample amount of anxiety and uncertainty every now and then. Then comes the thought of compensation. I feel I am not compensated properly, either. And most surprisingly, at some point, compensation has started to become immaterial to me.
In my last few years’ timeline, everything wasn’t going as I wished. Many unlucky and difficult things happened; amidst this, I somehow managed to survive. The most painful thing is that once, I used to go to bed with stress. Now, the times have changed... I wake up with stress as well. I won’t end this year pretending everything was fine. I lost a piece of myself this year that I will never get back, and I’m not forcing a smile as if it didn’t change me. That time made me realize how devastated I am, what a big loser I felt like, and how badly I wasted the last five years of my life. The last one and a half years went by just trying to get out of the trauma that happened in 2024. Just when I was becoming confident enough to overcome the trauma and restart from the very beginning, I stumbled again.
When December comes, it makes me rethink the whole year. It’s not so easy to sum up the last one and a half years. Life has changed completely since then. I somehow managed to get a degree and left university with that. I was not a guy who tried to enjoy campus life. I have been checking all my posts on Facebook this morning from 2020 until now. One thing I realized is that I have lost so many people in these years. Some of them are on my blocklist; some of them are on my friend list, yet still strangers to me. But the most important thing I realized is that I am happy without them. Losing people is not always bad. All we need to do is just focus on who sticks with us and supports us. And then I realized I am not a product of my circumstances; I am a product of my decisions.
Steve Jobs once said, “You can never connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backward.” So, this is my attempt at connecting the dots. Now I’ve changed the way I respond to people, the way I protect my heart, and the way I set my boundaries. I don’t react the way I used to; I think before I speak, I walk away from what doesn’t serve me, and I choose peace over chaos. My priorities are different now. My mindset is different. Even the way I love and trust has transformed. I literally believe that the system was never designed for you to win. That’s why you must break all the rules and carve your own path. I’m now just keeping myself swimming at a consistent pace.
A new year, lots of hope in mind. But expectations hit me so hard ;'( Nowadays, whenever I feel low, I just remind myself of Allah, and it gives me new hope. Life is better when you don’t take on stress anymore. You just leave everything to God. And, you know, I wish life had an unsend option like Instagram or Telegram; we could unsend the unwanted, hurtful memories from our life without any scars, as if they never existed, as if they had never been told... unlike Messenger, which constantly reminds you with, “You unsent a message.” I have nothing left to do but hope— hope that life gets better, that the pain fades, that I begin to heal. Happy New Year, everyone. I hope we achieve everything we wish for... maybe not now, but surely in another life. Until then, keep swimming. Make your plans, dedication, relationships, love life, and assets private. As for me, I’m hoping for peace, real peace… the kind that lets me breathe without having to fight for it. I deserve a year that doesn’t hurt. And above all, I hope my relationship with Allah gets even better.
That’s all for 2025! Welcome 2026 ✨
Que sera, sera… Carpe diem ❤
“Call upon your Lord in humility and privately” — Qur’an 7:55
In the most severe pain of my personal life, I used to think that I should get busy to escape from all the anxiety. I got busy with trivial things, tried to grow empathy for myself, and started taking on challenges. But now, I have a life with an ample amount of anxiety and uncertainty every now and then. Then comes the thought of compensation. I feel I am not compensated properly, either. And most surprisingly, at some point, compensation has started to become immaterial to me.
In my last few years’ timeline, everything wasn’t going as I wished. Many unlucky and difficult things happened; amidst this, I somehow managed to survive. The most painful thing is that once, I used to go to bed with stress. Now, the times have changed... I wake up with stress as well. I won’t end this year pretending everything was fine. I lost a piece of myself this year that I will never get back, and I’m not forcing a smile as if it didn’t change me. That time made me realize how devastated I am, what a big loser I felt like, and how badly I wasted the last five years of my life. The last one and a half years went by just trying to get out of the trauma that happened in 2024. Just when I was becoming confident enough to overcome the trauma and restart from the very beginning, I stumbled again.
When December comes, it makes me rethink the whole year. It’s not so easy to sum up the last one and a half years. Life has changed completely since then. I somehow managed to get a degree and left university with that. I was not a guy who tried to enjoy campus life. I have been checking all my posts on Facebook this morning from 2020 until now. One thing I realized is that I have lost so many people in these years. Some of them are on my blocklist; some of them are on my friend list, yet still strangers to me. But the most important thing I realized is that I am happy without them. Losing people is not always bad. All we need to do is just focus on who sticks with us and supports us. And then I realized I am not a product of my circumstances; I am a product of my decisions.
Steve Jobs once said, “You can never connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backward.” So, this is my attempt at connecting the dots. Now I’ve changed the way I respond to people, the way I protect my heart, and the way I set my boundaries. I don’t react the way I used to; I think before I speak, I walk away from what doesn’t serve me, and I choose peace over chaos. My priorities are different now. My mindset is different. Even the way I love and trust has transformed. I literally believe that the system was never designed for you to win. That’s why you must break all the rules and carve your own path. I’m now just keeping myself swimming at a consistent pace.
A new year, lots of hope in mind. But expectations hit me so hard ;'( Nowadays, whenever I feel low, I just remind myself of Allah, and it gives me new hope. Life is better when you don’t take on stress anymore. You just leave everything to God. And, you know, I wish life had an unsend option like Instagram or Telegram; we could unsend the unwanted, hurtful memories from our life without any scars, as if they never existed, as if they had never been told... unlike Messenger, which constantly reminds you with, “You unsent a message.” I have nothing left to do but hope— hope that life gets better, that the pain fades, that I begin to heal. Happy New Year, everyone. I hope we achieve everything we wish for... maybe not now, but surely in another life. Until then, keep swimming. Make your plans, dedication, relationships, love life, and assets private. As for me, I’m hoping for peace, real peace… the kind that lets me breathe without having to fight for it. I deserve a year that doesn’t hurt. And above all, I hope my relationship with Allah gets even better.
That’s all for 2025! Welcome 2026 ✨
Que sera, sera… Carpe diem ❤
“Call upon your Lord in humility and privately” — Qur’an 7:55